Most Ridiculous Script Ever
Synopsis: 4 random strangers have been drugged, kidnapped and placed in an abandoned warehouse. The air inside is running out and the only thing standing between them and the way out is a psychotic racial-harmony-emphasising-quizshow host. These 4 agree to take part in the game show to vie for their right to be released, only to win a prize much greater than that.
Prologue: It was a dark and stormy night. 4 random strangers have been drugged, kidnapped and placed in an abandoned warehouse….
-Everyone wakes up in complete darkness. All groggy from being drugged. Start walking around. –
Shivana: Eh, alamak, I can’t see you, it’s too dark in here.
Rangarajan : Are you trying to be racist?
Shivana: Eh no lah, I really can’t see you lah, it’s really too dark.
Ah Pui: Ok guys, don’t panic don’t panic. You know, we teochews have a saying…
Millenium: Aiyah who cares about what you teochews say, let’s look for the switch!
Everyone: Okok.
-Everyone walks around. Shivana finds the switch and turns it on. Lights come on-
Handsome: Eh! Millennium Esplanade Rolex Tan!
Millennium : -Yiyang laugh- yes?
Handsome: What are you doing here! The last time I saw you, you died!
Millenium: Oh! You see, I was only acting
Handsome: Hey! Aren’t you…
Arthur: Yes! It is I Rangarajan s/o Veramgopal s/o Kaneson s/o Mutusamy s/o Jack! And I’m black! Oh, I mean back.
Handsome: And you, who are you?
Shivana : Err Shivana?
Handsome, Millennium and Rangarajan : Never hear before
Millennium: *Looking distraught* EH wait a minute wait a minute! I think I’ve seen this before! This is like SAW! One crazy cancer patient goes around kidnapping random people and torture them to death! But before that, he makes them play a game…
Handsome: Huh? What game?
Millennium : It’s always different, we’ll find out when we find the tape
-Everyone starts looking around-
While everyone walks around….
Handsome: Eh, Millennium. Erm, I’ve always wanted to ask you ah, ever since the time I watched you at centre stage. Your name, come from where ah?
-Insert Mr. Brown Sequence-
Handsome: ……your mother ang moh also ah?
Shivana : *who was looking around ignoring the rest, finds a tape recorder* Hey! What’s this?
Arthur: It’s that tape thing he was talking about!
-Everyone gathers around tape recorder- *Play*
Random Voice: Press play lah stupid.
-Play-
Random Voice: Hello people, you have been put here for a reason and that reason is simple. To see how much you value racial harmony….
Everyone: Racial harmony?
Random Voice: Yes. Racial harmony. You are now trapped in an abandoned warehouse filled with poisonous poison which will kill you until you die from it. –Evil Laugh-
-Everyone starts to panic, starts running around-
Random Voice: But there is a way out. Let’s play a little game…
-Random stupid music plays-
Random Voice: Ladies and Gentlemen! It’s now time for….The Racial Harmony Quiz Show! Introducing your host, William Scorpion Marulian Ahmad Goreng Tan Steven!
Shawn: Hello everybody! Welcome to, the Racial Harmony Quiz Show! Today your knowledge of local races will be tested at a Higher Level standard! To escape from my… house… you guys will compete against one another in 5 rounds of serious competition! The winner escapes… while the losers don’t escape! Muahahahaha
Handsome: Ha! No fight! My racial harmony knowledge is more powerful then all of yours put together! Sure win! Bring it on!
Shawn: Let the games begin! Okay! Our first supremely hard and cheem question will test your knowledge of the Indian component of our culture! It is
Which statement is correct?
a) She is Hindi
b) She speaks Hindu
c) She is Hindu
d) A Hindi is a Hindu
Millennium : Ha! Simple, this type of question is normal lah. Hindu hindi are all the same, all got du, di! Therefore the answer must be D!
Shawn: Haha! That is incorrect!
Shivana : The answer is C! Erm you see, Hindi is actually a language, while Hindu is a religion. Don’t mix them up! It’s all part of being racially aware!
Shawn: Okay! Shivana is correct and now he is leading by one point! Our next question is
Which sentence shows the correct usage of the word “Malu”?
a) “Wah did you see him malu himself in front of the whole school just now?”
b) “I will malu you, just wait and see!”
c) “Wah that math test was so malu, sure die one.”
d) “Uncle one malu peng please!”
Ah Piu : Ah ok, this one I know. Everyday, I sit in my uncle’s coffee shop. Sometimes he asks me to work, so I go to the customers, then they like to order malu peng! “insert hokkien phrase I don’t know how to type out” So of course, the answer is D.
Shawn: Haha! That is incorrect also!
Arthur : Eh! The answer is A! “Wah bukan ke tidak kau nampaknya memalukan diri di hadapan sekolah?”
Shawn: I am….Lost in Translation!
Arthur : I say chaps did you by any chance see that lad knee high to a grasshopper making a right fool of himself in front of the entire audience? Malu means shame in Malay!
Shawn: Rangarajan s/o Veramgopal s/o Kaneson s/o Jack is correct! That’s amazing! Moving on to our third question which tests your knowledge of Chinese culture! Simplify this order!
“Uncle I want flat egg noodles with savoury ground pork, sliced fish with braised shitake mushrooms, garnished with fresh shallots and fried minced garlic in a flavorful broth or a aromatic chilli gravy”.
Handsome: “Uncle wo yao bak chor mee mee pok tah mai tekua”
Shawn: That is correct! We now have a tie game with 3 of you in the lead and Millennium lagging behind! Our next question is based on our very own unique Singaporean culture
The word “Lah” is an
a) Adjective
b) Pronoun
c) Hyperbole
d) None of the above
Millennium : Wah since I’m losing I am going to take an educated guess! Since I don’t know what an adjective, pronoun and hyperbole are I will guess D! None of the above!
Shawn: You are correct Millennium! Okay, we now have a tie game, and it all boils down to this last final ultimate concluding ending challenge!
Shawn: This challenge is highly challenging! You will be required to COUNT to 10 in 4 different languages IN the same sentence. Ahhh! However, you cannot speak in your MOTHER TONGUE! –Evil Laugh-
All: wah. Siao.
Shawn: But before we begin, let’s go for a commercial break!
-Pseduo Scene Change-
Shawn: Hello! I’ll be going to watch a musical!
Everyone: What musical?
Shawn: HAVEN you heard?
Everyone: -Repeating after each other while striking cool haven-ish pose- I HAVEN!
Shawn: Well, in case you folks at home HAVEN heard about it too, a cool new exciting musical is coming your way!
Shivana: Held in Anglo-Chinese School Independent on the 4th and 5th of August
Handsome: -Insert Haven time here-
Everyone: All for a low low price of $25!
Millenium: HAVEN bought a ticket? Buy one now!
Shawn: OKAY! And back to the show!
-Commercial ends, Shawn exits-
Handsome: Ok guys, damn condemn lah. But, looks like only 1 of us will get out of here alive.
Arthur: Haha! Looks like all of you are doomed! I will be the one who emerges victorious! And there’s nothing you can do to stop me!
Millenium: Oh please! Rangarajan, What do you know about languages! You only know how to cheat! You don’t have the intelligence of Me. Me-llenium Esplanade Rolex Tan! The most, Hamsome man town has ever seen since, forever!
Shivana: Hey guys STOP IT! Look at how we’re all behaving! We’re going at each other’s throats for no reason! We should be sharing our knowledge! Remember what we learnt in school about racial harmony? We’re all human beings, can’t we work this out together?
Everyone: Work together?
Shivana: Yes! Since we’re all of different races, we should help one another! That way, we can all answer correctly and maybe this racial-harmony-loving psychopath will set us all free!
Millenium: -Yiyang laugh-
Handsome: Stop laughing lah! It’s true! Let’s work this out like real men!
-Everyone heads together mumbling, discussing-
-Shawn enters-
Shawn: OKAY! The moment of truth is here! There can only be ONE winner in this competition. WHO WILL IT BE? So! Which of you who would like to go first?
-Do the counting thing, one by one, then repeating together 1-10-
Shivana: You see! All of us got it correct…
Millenium: Yes! At the end of the way, we’re all winners!
Handsome: Because we all worked together…
Arthur: In unison…. –Damn drama all look up-
Shawn: Well then, well…this is…unexpected….but, I am a man of my word. From hence forth, you shall be set free. Back into society, but remember the lessons learnt from today and the importance of RACIAL HARMONY!
-All exit except Shawn-
Shawn: I guess I myself have learnt something today. Every race, counts.
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